But you're probably wondering who Toby is. "Toby" is the name that I assigned my social anxiety (yes, I picked that name so I could yell at it like Michael from The Office). When my anxiety first started to get really bad during college, I didn't really have a mechanism for dealing with the anxious thoughts I would have. It wasn't until one of my best friends told us about how she assigned hers a name that I got the idea to try it for myself. Now, whenever those thoughts sneak in or I feel like I can't contribute in a conversation because of fear of judgment, I tell Toby to shut it and give it a rest already.
Usually that works well for me. Usually I can push away all of Toby's noise and continue to go about my life.
Usually. But for well over a year now, my social anxiety and depression have really been taking their toll.
Even though I know that I have tons of great things in my life to be happy about (and I am), it can still be difficult to find interest in my old hobbies and to get excited about things. I know that I am isolating myself, but spending time with people leaves me second-guessing every word and action while trying to sleep hours later. I don't reach out so as not to be a burden or because my anxiety makes me second-guess that it even exists sometimes. All of this on top of two jobs just leaves me feeling too exhausted to even get out of bed some days.
This is the closest I can describe it: the depression makes me feel like I'm rowing a paddle boat in the middle of the ocean and the anxiety feels like I'm screaming and screaming, but no noise comes out. And watching all of it happen is the rational part of my brain trying to scream over the anxiety and trying to get the depression to stop rowing in circles.
This isn't the first time that I've been open about my issues with mental health, but it is definitely the first time where it has been this rough. I guess that is why I am writing this in the first place. I know that these feelings won't just go away and that there is a strong chance that I'll be dealing with them for the rest of my life, but I am tired of giving in to them. I am tired of letting my anxiety and fear of negative feedback keep me from writing, creating, and posting my content for more to see. I'm tired of letting it keep me from the people in my life that I know care about me the most. I am tired of letting my depression keep me from pushing myself toward my goals.
So here is my first step: be vocal about my struggle. And starting today, I am going to try to be better, to treat myself with more kindness. Starting today, I am going to try to create more, to sing more, to laugh more. Starting today, I'm going to start telling Toby to beat it and quit following me around like a shadow.
But most importantly, starting today, I'm going to start looking for me again.
-Meghan
