Make a Fuss

My grandfather, Robert Christian, passed away the Sunday after Thanksgiving, a month and a day after his 82nd birthday.

It was expected, in so far as the death of a loved one can be. He had been in hospice care following a hospital stay for an infection where he also caught COVID. During that time, he made the decision to be placed in hospice care. 

I can't imagine what he must have been feeling when he made that decision. He expressed many times to my father that he "was ready to go home," an increasingly familiar sentiment from him as such a devout man. To me, it suggests he was simply tired.

During one of our update calls when my Papa was first put into hospice, I remember a phone call with my dad. We chatted for a bit about how he was doing, how great the staff at the care facility are, and we eventually discussed how my grandfather did not want many visitors while he was in hospice and when he passed he did not want to have a service. 

"That's what he said he wants so," my dad said and I could almost hear the silent shrug on the other end of the phone. 

I nodded even though he couldn't see me and through a breath, said, "Well, you know he never really liked it when people made a fuss."

"You are so right, that's exactly what it is," my dad replied with a note in his voice suggesting he hadn't thought of it that way before.

My grandfather could be described by some as a complicated man and to be perfectly honest, I did not know as much about him as I would have liked. What I do know is when he was younger, he was an alcoholic and it ultimately caused issues in his professional and personal life. It wasn't until the 80s when he had lost everything that my Papa decided he needed a change.

That change came in the form of a new relationship with God. While I am not a Christian personally, seeing his dedication and faith was always inspiring. He truly was a man of service. He spent many holidays eating with other families that were not his own to break bread. He would get invited to so many dinners that cold cuts became the common Christmas Day fare so he wouldn't have to try and eat another bite of Christmas Ham.

Of course none of that is to imply that my grandfather was a bad person in any way. On the contrary, he was easily one of the best people I will ever have the pleasure of being near. What it does illustrate, however, is that people are not just bad or just good. We are all a mix of our choices, the consequences of those choices, and what we decide to do next.

When I knew him, he had already become the soft spoken man with a slightly gravely voice who smelled like strong coffee that I will remember fondly. He also had a wicked sense of humor and a funny knack for making up words that he called "Bob-ish." I will always remember our special birthday dinners at Big Boy, just the two of us. I am the youngest of my siblings which meant it was not often I got to go places on my own when I was little, so to have those times just the two of us are cherished.

He was able to make those around him feel seen, feel special, and feel like the center of his attention for a while. Such a wonderful gift he was able to share with others and it makes me sad to think that at some point, he decided that to some extent he did not want that same attention paid to him.

What this all comes down to is not wanting others to make a fuss. Part of me believes that maybe my Papa didn't think he deserved to be in the spotlight whether because of his past or just because it wasn't his thing. Regardless of what it was, I will always wish that he did want us to make a fuss, that we could have visited and shared laughs and love.

I honor and respect his decision. It just made me realize that asking others to not make a fuss doesn't do what we think it does. We think it makes it so we are not a burden on others, but what it truly does is the opposite. When we don't let others make a fuss about us, we are actually burdening them with displaced love with no where to go.

So I guess what I want to say through all of this is make a fuss. Make a fuss about your family and your friends. Make a fuss and hype them up when they need it, be in their corner, and show up for them. 

Even more importantly, let them make a fuss about you. When people show you they want to be there for you, they want to celebrate your wins and help you up after your losses, let them. Simply allow yourself to be open to receiving that love and that care even if you don't think you need it.

As my grandfather did not want a service, my family is asking for any that would like to do something in his memory to please consider donating to The Omega House in Houghton, MI., or the VA Hospital